Good Thing Sex and Love Aren’t Codependent

Every week, my husband comes home from being out of town and I have it in my head that something magical will happen between us. Every week. It does not. Not that we don’t have sex. We do but not with frequency or fun.

Truthfully, I miss feeling special. That super heightened arousal that only he inspired has been gone since before we were married. My imagination and drive faded more slowly but they are gone now. I initiate sex because I don’t want us to have so little. I don’t want no sex or once in a while sex.

Married, boring sex has taken its toll. There is literally nothing left. It takes all my effort to will myself into doing anything remotely sexual, and more than I have to do anything sexual and fun. By the time it is done I feel like absolute utter crap. Psychologically, physically. 

This morning is another one of those super depressing work week mornings. I read article after article about losing your sexuality, getting your groove back, how to feel sensual, why women feel this way. Blah, blah, blah. Just like talking to friends, these things all have one common element that my problem lacks. The partners are all still super interested. Every woman I know is all put out because her partner wants sex all the time. 

Oh, you poor girls! How awful! I feel your pain! 

No. I don’t. I don’t understand it at all. My ex husband didn’t do it, my current husband doesn’t do it. All my male friends do, though. I’ve never figured out if I’m just really repulsive or if I just have fantastic male friends. They are all really into their spouses. Not just the way they talk, their actions as well. Every one of them show off their wife. Ta-da! Look what I have! The very first pic my long time friend sent me of his wife, she was in a bikini. She’s not thin or perfect. But, to him, she is. 

For a couple years, I tried to keep up the effort. Flirty texts that got little to no response, still took lots of pics of him, came on to him constantly. It was not enough. It never pulled him out of a bad mood or encouraged a change in his sensuality towards me. Life more easily takes him down than I build him up. 

First I lost confidence to send dirty pics, then dirty text, then stopped talking in bed, stopped thinking about sex. Now that I’m completely boring, he’s putting in minor effort. It is like the world’s cruelest joke. I literally have no advice for me. There is no mental escape. 

Everything I read on the subject either pisses me off or makes me cry or both. Today, will be hard to function. Depression that comes from feeling disconnected from everything including yourself  is debilitating. I’ll cry for a couple more hours then do something small while I cry some more. Eventually, the crying will ease. Until the next time. 


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